Some homosexuals don't like other homosexuals..

I've read the phrase "internalized homophobia" several times over the years, and the best analogy for this phenomenon is that as gay men and women we often react strongly when we see other gay people mirroring back to us the things we like least about ourselves. 

Have you ever been with a friend or family member when they make a comment about how much they dislike sloppy eaters as they chomp and slurp like a famished raccoon?  Pointing out in others the things we can't deal with in ourselves is a defense mechanism that somehow allows us to justify our behaviors by saying to ourselves "Well, at least I'm not that bad."  Among the many gay men I've known over the years this action is much more biting, catty and ultimately destructive.

I'm guilty of seeing my reflection in other men and disliking what I see, or feeling unable to accept gay men as they are.  This happens most when I am around guys that are flamboyant.  Perhaps I'm bothered that they are freely effeminate, and it reminds me of how much I have restricted my own self-expression.  Perhaps I find him perfectly delightful, but refrain from embracing him or expressing my attraction to him because he is SO obviously gay.   Regardless of his characteristics, through some honest self reflection I'm able to see what's going on inside of me to garner such a strong reaction.  But, the buck doesn't stop here.  I have to forge through and embrace my mirror image so that I can embrace my brother for who he is and affirm him.

For those who don't know what catty means, Webster's defines it as having or showing a desire to cause someone pain or suffering for the sheer enjoyment of it <a catty remark that served its only purpose: to make someone cry>

One of the best examples of this meanness came one winter when I had been out shopping for ornaments.  I ran into a rather handsome fella who looked overwhelmed by the giant isles of glittered glory.  I was totally in my element, and my confidence was high so I commented to him that he had an attractive assortment of ornaments and that I just saw the perfect ribbon for his tree.  Our conversation stuck primarily to Christmas trees, lights and decor for the next hour, but when I went in to seal the deal and asked for a drink date he was instantly aloof. 

I recounted this tale for some gay friends just later that week.  Instantly they knew who I was talking about, and commented that my new crush was actually a neighbor that lived with a long term partner.  Of course I dramatically lamented "What's wrong with guys?"  I talked to this guy for more than an hour about the holidays, trees and lighting.  He consistently used "I", "Mine", and "Me."  He never so much as indicated that he had a partner!!  UGH!  This still ANNOYS me.  But, that is for a different day... sigh.

The point is that I was disappointed that someone I was obviously flirting with and asked to see again wouldn't tell me he was unavailable!  One of the men standing in the kitchen listening to my lament commented "Oh you mean "John Doe"? I never thought he was cute. He's kind of elfish with his pointed ears."

Stunned silent.

Born This Way

I'm often asked by friends when I come out to them, "Do you believe you were born gay?"  The smart ass in me wants to ask them if they were born straight!  I withhold this.  Usually.  The other question I get occasionally is "When did you know you had to choose one way or the other?"  I'm much less gracious in responding to this question when I quip back with "When did you choose NOT to be gay?"

Perhaps they are treading the waters of challenging their own belief systems, or they are testing me to see just how steadfast I am in my identity.  Regardless of the motivation, I always welcome the opportunity to educate.

I knew from the earliest age that my inclinations were not like the men and other boys in my life.  I knew I was different, but didn't necessarily know that I was gay. 

It wasn't until I developed my first mega crush on a boy a year ahead of me in school that i knew romance was in the gaze of another boy.  I was completely fascinated by his wily blond hair, daring spirit, and any crumb of attention he gave me.  When he was near, I was mesmerized.  Our friendship lasted for many years, and I was very much smitten by him the entire time.  We met when I was entering the 3rd grade.

As for "born this way?" I answer with a hearty "YES!"  For a few years I worked with a conservative christian lady who was inquisitive, and spirited.  She was the very first one that ever said to me that she understood it wasn't a choice, and gave a compelling reason why.  She simply said, "Who would choose a life so hard."  She went on to build her argument to say that if sexuality was a choice, it would be much easier to choose to be straight because that is what most of the world believes in, and supports. 

I was forever altered by such direct insight. 

Safe schools are a myth.

In a 2009 school climate survey conducted by the Gay Lesbian & Straight Education Network, a gay student in the United States had an 85% chance of being verbally harassed because of their sexual orientation, and 72% heard remarks like "faggot" or "dyke."
 
These statistics are astounding.  This means a gay high school student who has the courage to come out of the closet can almost guarantee to be called names, and be verbally assaulted.  Nearly two-thirds of LGBT students felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation.

The results of this study are significant in several ways. 1) Gay teens are coming out of the closet at an earlier age. 2) Gay Straight Alliances and resource centers  decrease the number of harassing incidents in schools. 3) We have a long way to go in the US before it's wrong to harass a kid for being or appearing to be gay.

According to famed psychologist Erik Erikson, the father of social development theory, our adolescent and young adult years are the most crucial in developing our adult identity and relationship skills.  Between the ages of 12 & 18, according to Erikson, our identity is mostly shaped by what we do.  It's through the development of friendships, and a certain freedom in experimentation that we develop our blueprint for life.  It's during these years that we struggle with social interactions, and moral issues.  An unsuccessful journey through these years will leave us with significant role confusion and upheaval.

Between the ages of 18 & 35, according to Erikson, we begin looking for significant relationships through a partner and our friendships.  It's in this early stage of adulthood that we experience emotional intimacy on a very deep level.  If we are not successful in this stage Erikson believed that isolation and distance from such intimacy would occur.

It is especially crucial for anyone working with teens, gay or not, to have an understanding of these basic ideas of development.  If young gay teens are somehow stifled in their adolescent exploration of their philosohpies, talents, and roles this lack of development can hinder the next stage.  I've believed it's this stifling that leads many young gay men and women to have a delayed adolescence in their 20's & early 30's.  It's during this delayed adolescence that we feel the freedom to explore, express ourselves, and begin developing friendships with other gay men and women.

Perhaps an unsuccessful mastery of these development stages sets the foundation for many of the struggles gay men, especially, face in adulthood.  While I recognize that many gay men have very successful relationships, there are many of us who have struggled to find deep and sustainable intimacy. 

The good news is that times are changing.  There are a number of national LGBT advocacy and research centers. LGBT resource centers and student groups are common place in most universities, and slowly we are seeing a more authentic representation of gay couples in the media like Cameron and Mitchell on ABC's Modern Family.

So long as we keep reading, learning, teaching and sharing our stories, it is my hope this progress will continue. And as long as we see a modicum of growth we have to celebrate it and appreciate it.

Tom boys are better than sissies

Beyond overcoming stifling shame, many of the authors I've been reading talk about integrating all of the different parts of oneself, or aligning our fractured sense of identity as a way to live whole and authentically.

Joe Kort, author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love, writes about integrity.  "Integrity is a lifestyle of congruency; it means being outwardly who you are on the inside.  Yet from childhood, we gay boys quickly learn that being out and open means ridicule, negative judgments, and lack of emotional and physical safety.  So we spend our most formative years learning to live out of integrity, even in relationship with ourselves.  For children of any orientation, integrating all the parts of oneself is impossible.  Family rules as well as socialization norms call for children to disown aspects of themselves. For gay children, an additional part gets disowned---our gayness."

As a child the messages we may often hear from adults are that "boys like girls" and "girls like boys," and anything outside of this law is wrong or even perverted. Furthermore, even in the most progressive of families, societal norms still play out.  One of the best examples of this comes from my own family and friends.  My oldest nephew was about 2 or 3 at the time a friend and I went to visit my family.  Still being very much a baby, my nephew was crying and asking for me to hold him and console him.  Much to my surprise, my friend said something along the lines of "that boy needs to toughen up."

It's little wonder, in our hyper-masculine world, that boys especially are ridiculed for showing any more sensitivity, creativity, or emotion than their cohort.  The reverse doesn't play out quite as concretely for girls.  We've even donned a very acceptable label for little girls who act like boys, tom-boy.  Unfortunately for boys we continue the stigmatizing label of sissy. Let's face it; we value masculinity far more than femininity in this country.

So, many gay boys grow up never embracing their childhood crush on the neighbor boy.  Many grow up without encouragement to bend the gender roles and play with their sisters' toys too.  Little gay boys learn from an early age to hide or villainize their feelings.

Joe Kort goes on to write, "Gay and straight alike, we must all come back into integrity---which is often what a midlife crisis is all about.  I prefer to call it a midlife awakening: finding out who you really are and moving toward it."

Consider all of your experiences, and all of your parts.  Recount your boyhood crushes, and embrace them.  Draw a picture in your mind of which boys at school you were attracted to and why.  How did they make you feel?  What type of friendship did they offer?  How were these boys alike?

Embrace these relationships wholly now, and celebrate them.  This is one of the most significant tools a gay man can use to integrate his experiences as young gay boy into his life as an adult gay man.  It will serve to remind us that as children we weren't wrong in feeling this way, and that all little boys and girls get crushes.  Our crushes were just as real as theirs.

LGBT Elders - Back In The Closet

If Harvey Milk were still alive, he would have just turned 81 years old on May 22.  Living in New York at the time of the Stonewall Riots (1969), Harvey was 39.  He moved to the Castro District of San Fransisco shortly after this, and became one of the country's first openly gay elected officials serving as city supervisor.  He was assassinated within the first year of taking office, however his influence on the gay rights movement continues today.

In the 60's and 70's many of the gay men and women in this country were still living in the closet, especially in rural conservative areas.  The effects of Harvey Milk and the Stonewall Riots didn't reach much of America for years or decades to come.  As these men and women have aged, many of them never enjoyed the freedom of expression, or current level of acceptance we do today.

How might things have played out for Harvey Milk if he, like many Americans, lived long enough to need care in a nursing home? 

Current statistics would give him about a 50% chance of having dementia of some form, simply because of his age.  And, since he had no children to care for him, his chances of needing nursing home care would have increased even more.

There's no way to know how Harvey's life would have played out, but what we can know for sure is that openly gay men and women of his generation are finding themselves increasingly back in the closet as nursing home and assisted living residents.

In the recent anecdotal survey "LGBT Older Adults in Long Term Care Facilities: Stories From the Field", experts from various national advocacy groups discovered some startling incidents of discrimination, harassment and emotional abuse.  Nearly 300 long term care residents, family, staff, social workers, administrators and ombudsmen participated in an online survey which found: 

• Only 22% said they could be open with facility staff
• 89% predict that staff would discriminate
• 43% reported 853 instances of mistreatment
• 93 respondents reported restrictions on visitors
• 24 reported denial of medical treatment

The sense of going back into the closet as a resident in long term care, extends even to people in assisted living.  One 71 year old anonymous participant said, "Within the next two weeks I'll be going into assisted living. Due to my financial situation, I will have to share a room with another man. The thought of going back into the closet is making me ill.  Frankly, I'm afraid of telling anyone I'm gay."

What's even more disturbing is how families are treating their loved ones as they age in nursing homes.  "A woman died shortly after I started as a floor nurse in a nursing facility in 2002, and I learned her story from other staff. The woman came to the nursing home after having a stroke. She  was unable to communicate.  The family decided that her partner of 50+ years had no rights to their property, or to see or make decisions for the patient.  The family sold the home and got a restraining order against the partner.  These ladies were retired schoolteacher in their 80's and had never considered being "out."  They had no legal protections in place.  The partner of the patient had sever health issues herself.  She would call the nursing home occasionally on the night shift to see if a kind nurse would be willing to break the rules and tell her if her partner was still alive and how she was doing.  It was a sad situation.  -Michelle F., Riverview, FL

The first time we come out of the closet is usually to a friend or family member.  After that, we continue to come out to everyone we meet (I hope).  While coming out to more and more people is changing the public's perception of who we are as gay men and women, our responsibility doesn't stop there.

As members of a minority, we MUST advocate for change.  We MUST live as examples to follow.  We MUST work to create more sensitive, accepting and educated institutions in this country.  From Kindergarten to Hospice, it is our responsibility to see to it that the path is made easier, and the world made kinder for all those who follow.

Girl, I love that dress!

Validation is defined by Merriam Webster as: to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of <validatehis concerns>. It’s something that we seek throughout all of our lives regardless of age or relationship status. We can even venture to say that we seek validation first and foremost in our love relationships.

Have you ever said something like this: “All I ever wanted was for someone to look at me, see all of me, and say ‘I love you, all of you’?” I certainly have, and I’m sure in some fashion or another we all have. Seeking validation through relationships isn’t especially unique to our gay brothers and sisters. It is however an accomplishment that alludes many of us.

As a young man I took a very sweet and attractive young lady to my junior prom. While many of my classmates were finding validation landing such attractive dates, the “slap on my back” didn’t resonate. Partly because my grandmother told me my prom date was actually a cousin, but mostly because I just didn’t feel anything. There was no excitement about having a cute date, or anticipation of a make out session at the end of the night. This was the same scenario for my senior prom.

This is one of the first rites of passage for young men. Validation comes from parents, grandparents, and friends. I’ve often thought of prom as a dry run for a wedding; complete with the dress, the entourage, the limousine, the photographer, the party, the dance, and the much anticipated end of the night “action.” This rite of passage is a significant prelude that ultimately leads to adulthood.

It’s little wonder that many gay men and women never grow up. We’ve never been validated along the journey to adulthood. Our 20’s and 30’s are spent seeking a place to belong, people to identify with, and a struggle to find our identity as men and women.

There are other rites of passage absent from our lives such as weddings. There are few other passages that say “I’m a valid adult” as loudly as marriage. For many straight couples having children, taking family vacations, and buying houses are equally significant milestones. But, for gay men and women we have to seek out our own means of validation, and too often this means doesn’t get to the core of building self-worth, and a solid identity. Gay bars and bathhouses aren’t known their character building attributes.

So, I want encourage my gay friends to make a list of the things you enjoyed as a child or teen (before the drama of coming out), and spend some time doing those things. Get in touch with who you are at your most fundamental core. There is a good chance you are still this person, and you can begin to validate yourself for a change.

What would your adult self say to this child? How would you encourage this child to grow up? Think about it, and validate that child.

Strange Bedfellows

The purpose of this blog is to offer support and insight as we are looking around and realizing we want to live differently.  This is a blog for men and women who have struggled for years to live the life they have always dreamed of, and to live the life they know they are fundamentally capable of.

Doris Day and Rock Hudson

The catalyst for this change will be as unique as we are, but for many the process of change is very similar.  I like to think that life is like a TV show.  When we turn on the TV we can watch our lives play out.    We can see our lives, and know what’s going on; this is insight.  If we don’t like the episode, we can turn the channel and choose to watch something different; this is a break-away.

For many of us, the biggest challenge to accomplishing the break-away is to identify what’s blocking the way.  And believe it or not, for many gay men and women the blockage is old fashioned shame.  Many of us carry unresolved shame over feeling like something is wrong with us, feeling like we don’t fit in, and feeling unlikable or worse feeling unlovable.

In his book, The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs says this about shame over being gay, “…gay men start at this place of being overwhelmed with the shame of being gay in a world that worships masculine power.  …it is this stage that is characterized by being overwhelmed by shame.  This is the start of his journey as a gay man, and it is by far the most difficult and damaging.  He’d do anything not to be gay.  He suffers immensely the pain of knowing that he can’t change the one thing that makes him so different from other men.  He imagines that being gay will ruin his life completely, and there is nothing he can do to change it.”

Many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy running from our true identity as gay men and women.  We run into bars, gyms, or back into the closet.  We run into churches, marriages, and careers.  This running is far more exhausting than owning up and reconciling the truth about ourselves, but running is often the only thing we know.

The Bounce

I once heard that we have to hit rock bottom before we bounce. While I know this is true, I've also learned that rock bottom is different for everyone.  For some of us rock bottom can be seeing a zero balance in our checking account, while for others it might be losing our home or automobile because we mismanaged our finances.  Rock bottom might be a heartbreak, while for others it could be a total devastation of heart before realizing we are the common denominator in our love life.  Regardless of what we are struggling with we learn differently, and it takes different experiences for each of us to hear our wake up call.

Perhaps my greatest insight into "bouncing" came when I heard that the pain of staying the same has to be greater than the pain of changing.  Regardless of what brought us to rock bottom, the pain of reliving that experience has to be greater than the pain of looking at ourselves and changing.  One of the greatest conversations we can have with ourselves is "I don't like my life.  I don't like feeling this way.  I want to live better. What will it take for me to have a different life?"  

It's fairly common knowledge that we grow the most during our greatest challenges.  When we consciously decide to change the way we think, act, and live enduring the pain becomes something of a badge of valor for us.  Taking this long hard look at who we are, dealing with unfinished business, internalized shame, confronting our own misconceptions, and learning new lessons is not something that many people will accomplish in their lives.  However, I strongly feel that few are more capable of bouncing as high as gay men and women.  It's our "two spirits" that give us incredible insight and adaptability. 

I invite you to visit this blog often as we continue this conversation.